The Yellow Jane Side

There is something i should explain about the odd nickname 'Yellow Jane'.
You see, Yellow Jane was originally a character i made up for a game, she was the one you never knew if you could trust or not.
But, i never have truly explained, and it is possibly too complicated to explain, but i am going to try for everyones sake:
The character 'Yellow Jane' is not just some random person, because i based her on the dark side of myself. She is a bit of a weird person. In the stories i have written about her, she has done many terrible things and regrets pretty much none of them, because her aim in life is not to have friends, family, or anything like that, it is to survive until she sees fit for her to die.
She trusts very few people, and those she does trust are very close to her, and those she doesn't get a completely different veiw of her. Her true self is known by a very small and privilaged group. But in the stories, she is not what she seems. She usually has a very wavy timeline of trust. Just as people are beggining to trust her, she does something terrible, and everyone is shocked. Then, she begins to get back up in the levels of trust, and then drops again. I don't know if i am like this is real life, but that is one aspect of her character.
An example, for those that are confused: In one story, Yellow Jane is voyaging into undiscovered lands, but does not realise that the enemy is following her ship. They meet, and a fight breaks out. Many of her people are killed, and she is left to protect the last people, as the Emperor is wounded. The instead of fighting, she teleports away, and leaves her crew to die. She comes back, and punctures the enemies boat, but then vanishes.
It goes on like this.
But Yellow Jane is different from any other character i have read about, or created. I guess that's what i like about her. It's how she is able to carry on, no matter what. She loses people she has known for years, and still she can carry on, unharmed physically or emotionally. Her house is burned down, she just cuts down the enemy, and gets on with life. She is strong, and she is persistant. She is almost merciless.

But even the Yellow Jane side is split. Some of it is my dark side that i can actually do. But there are sections of it which are what i want to be. (no DH and Phoenix it is not the fact she is a woman so shh!). Her perfection. How she is merciless.
How easy her life must be if she truly can move on from disappointment. Losing friends, and so on. It may sound cruel, but it is true that Yellow Jane does not attach herself to anyone, because she knows if she loses them she will fall. I suppose she could have got this from her past, which i haven't thought about much. I know her childhood, and her as an adult. Not her teenage years. What i sometimes imagine there to have been is love. It is blindingly obvious to choose this path. She was in love, she lost him, and she became my dark side, the truth, and the wishing bits.
I like to boast that i can do what she can through and through, but i know i can't. If Phoenix Song was killed, the full Yellow Jane would maybe inside be hurt, but able to seem untouched on the outside, the side which you can see.
But me? No. If Phoenix Song died i would never get over it. Same with Loepard Fur or other friends.
So maybe i don't have a full Yellow Jane side, but i like to think i do. I just don't know.
In RE we were talking about the Soul. Do you think Yellow Jane is part of my soul?

I hope i've managed to explain without people laughing at my maddness or frowning because they don't get it. But i just wanted to write down my thoughts, on the side of Yellow Jane. It isn't just a name.

YJ